Oh Yeah Feel The Burn

Oh em gee.

This week has been insane. I worked about 35 hours this week and I am physically and mentally drained. However, my pay check should be nice lol. It has been a good week, compared to the last couple of weeks. Amazingly, I have been going to the gym every day this week. So lets hope I keep up with that.

I saw one of my good friends today and gave him his graduation gift. It was a World of Warcraft shirt and I am pretty sure he liked it. I do not know anything about WOW, and before I bought that shirt, I literally went up to the register and asked the lady like three times if this was associated with WOW and if she had other products. Her response was, "I think so", "I do not think we have any other products", and "We can order some online if you'd like". She was probably really thinking, " Holy f*** go google WOW or something and find out yourself".

At least that's what I would have thought, but in a nice, classy way :)

Now You See It, Now You Don't

A tornado hit my room. It is absolutely awful. If you think your room is messy, mine is 10x worse.

After a couple of hours, my closet now looks like a Macys clothing display. Bet you $5 it will not last. However, I do think I deserve a day to myself. Maybe a fabulous day in the city? Let's see if I can pass that one through my mother.

As I was cleaning my room, I came across some frames that I took the pictures out of a long time ago. And that's all it was.  A empty frame, an empty past that no longer mattered to me.

I did come across a necklace that I recently received from someone. It reminded me of what I really need, and that is you.

This is a blog.

Man, venting on this thing has become a bad habit, especially when my days haven't been the brightest. Any readers (if there is actually anyone reading this) wants to hear a happy heather not a negative nancy. Sorry if you are reading this and your name is Heather or Nancy. Or maybe both? They are lovely names indeed. I'm sure on the list of most wanted names in the United States. No sarcasm intended.

Anyways, I am rambling.

Fifteen minutes have passed and I am staring at this screen trying to discover something brilliant to say. But sometimes silence is best.

I am waking up early to go to the gym. I haven't gone in over a year. That's the same amount of time its been since I last visited Disneyland....but the gym is not Disneyland. Disneyland can sometimes give you instant happiness, and while the gym may give you happiness, it does not give quick results.

Well to end this little post.... I leave you with this quote...

"The past was, tomorrow may be, only today is"
-Anonymous

After the Storm

"You need a reason for the things I do. I need a miracle to see me through. I give you everything I got inside. If you just stay here tonight.

My hands are tied and I’ve been rolling the dice. My legs are broken, I ain’t up for a fight. I make it rain from an empty sky. If you just stay here tonight.


You’ll be the last one picking up the pieces. You’ll be the last one standing up strong. You’ll be the last one making all the right things wrong. 

My heart is aching and I’m down on the band. My will is weak and I’m falling again. I get back up and try to make things right. If you just stay here tonight". 

-Augustana

Helplessness Blues

Dear ...................

You will probably never read this because you probably do not keep up with this blog that I have. But who knows maybe I will have the courage to tell you that this letter to you does exist. Anyways I have the chance to tell you this but as of now I really do not think it will matter. Today you are starting a new life; a new start that you have been longing for quite some time. Throughout the last few years, I've watched you struggle, fall down, and pick yourself up again. And many times did you repeat this cycle due to wrong choices you made or other people, including myself, that have hurt you. Whether you believe me or not, my instincts and wants have always been to help you, but unfortunately I could not due to times I was not in your life, times that you did not want me to help, and other times I did not want anything to do with you (due to my stubborness).  I loved you and you were my best friend and all that was taken away through the many rough times I've had with you. When we finally did make up, it took many months to rebuild and for me to accept the fact that you did not need me as support anymore. We did some things that would not be classified as "okay" to others, and that only dug the hole deeper that we were trying to get out of. We have been through so much and regardless of everything, I still stand by you. The last two-three months have been the best we've had so far. We have finally come to a steady point of our friendship and I could not ask for anything more. Those "one-on-one" moments we had really showed me what I want in life. I want to be happy and as of now I do not know what the steps are to get to that place again, but I know I do and will get there. And for your case, I know you will be happy too with the future that awaits you. I cannot explain how proud and happy I am for you. Even though things may not work out the way we planned, I will be happy as long as you are happy. And when you leave, if we do become distant, I hope you know that I am always here for you and would do anything for you. It's time for me to say goodbye to what we use to be and accept that we most likely will never be that away again. I cannot predict the future, nor should I even try, but you never know what the future holds for us.You need to begin your new life and associate with new people. And if I have a part in your new life then that is great, but if I don't, I know you did not do it out of spite. Thank you for everything you have done for me and I wish you the best luck. You will always have a special place in my heart. 

Love (forever and always),

Alyssa

College-ritis?

The stressful time of my life is over. I finally picked my classes for next semester and for the first time ever I am fully content with my choices. However, I am sad that I will not be taking any Theatre courses. Instead, I hope to audition for the school play if it does not interfere with my job.

After choosing my classes, I realized how I wish I could just drop out of school. I wish I could magically receive my degree, and start my own theatre company. That is my dream.

However, dreams can come true, but not that easily. It is part of who I am to set a goal and move on to a completely different goal. I mean, most of us do this anyways right? Well my goal for this school year was to house manage both school plays. The fall production was set in the Black box theater and the spring production was set in the Proscenium Theater. I have never had experienced in either and it was a goal to house manage in both. This was accomplished and I am ready to move on to another theater in my local area. It's only my first year of college and I already want to leave and focus solely on theater. In reality, it isn't that simple. However, I do enjoy challenges and I am fully ready to complete my new goal.

It's about time to get on that stage again.

"You Always Hurt the Ones You Love"

"Why must love be so complicated?"

 Usually this was the question I would ask myself, but it has come to the point where I now ask myself, "Why must you be so complicated with love?". Lately these days, I have been analyzing myself more than ever. I feel like each day I discover something new that I either need to recognize or change. Recently it's been my fear of becoming closer to this particular male "friend". 

In the past, I've been hurt by many male "friends". Yes, I admit that I have hurt them as well, but each time I was hurt it left a permanent scar. I was hurt by many people, including close friends, and watching my own parents deal with their own relationship problems also took a toll on me. I do not know why I keep reminding myself to keep a guard up towards my male "friend". After all, I know in my heart he is everything and more to me, but I cannot come to terms with that. 

To whoever is reading this, learn from my mistakes. Do not let the past affect something good in your present. Before you know it, it may be too late and you will be in a continuing cycle of losing things because of fear.  I do not want to lose what I have right now nor do I want to fear anymore.